the last mow

This is a picture I took of myself two nights ago mowing this lawn for the last time. Yes, I was drinking a lemon-drop. It was celebratory mowing.

Today is our son's last day of kindergarten, and we begin moving boxes into the rental tomorrow. Wow, it still seems surreal. Living here for 3 weeks after closing on the sale made it feel like it never happened. The movers come Monday to officially get us moved. I'm anxious to get it over with. I'm actually really excited about the new neighborhood. There are sidewalks, playgrounds and a pool. Plus we can ride our golf cart out here (less than one mile) and see our friends when we want.

Here's the rental. It's a great house. Okay, so the smell of curry permeates every inch of it, but I'm gonna deal with that when I can. That will be fun, I'm sure. Anyone have tips for getting rid of the smell?

Happy Birthday to my oldest son

S turned 6 today. Of course, I can't believe how fast he's growing up. Then again, I can't really remember life before him. He came into this world and began to heal our hearts from the terrible loss of his brother the year before. He was our largest baby, at 9lbs 12 oz, yet his was the easiest and funnest birth. I remember when my husband put him on my chest after he was weighed and cleaned up. We just sat there holding him and each other and cried and cried.

As most first time parents do, and even worse because we were recovering from loosing Silas, we doted on him terribly. He nursed whenever he wanted, which was all the time. He slept whenever and where ever he wanted. He learned quickly that he could control the house with his moods. He's still slowly learning that it won't work that way forever. He's so emotional, like his mother. In fact, he is like me in most ways. It's so weird to see your own little quirks show up in another person. Makes you in awe of genetics. Unlike me, he is smart. Really smart. And he has a wonderful memory. Also unlike me.

Although he's one of the youngest in his class, he is probably the tallest. When we go somewhere, I can usually count on him helping me take care of the baby or hold my door, etc. Unless, of course, he isn't in the mood. There are plenty of those days too.

We are so proud of him. On his birthday, and on every other day too.

went on a date last night

We had the Mother-Son dance last night. S was a wonderful date. Getting in the car, he said, "you're the prettiest girl in town." He dance all night, front and center. He's a great dancer. Just 3 weeks ago, he started taking Hip Hop lessons at a local studio. It's like he finally found his "thing." We had tried baseball, soccer and karate, but all he did at baseball and soccer was dance and play in his own world. It finally struck me to put him in dance. When I watch dancers, I'm always more moved by male dancers. They are so strong and powerful and graceful. I could not have been more proud of him last night.

Happy Valentines Day to my little man.

From Santa to the Tooth Fairy

S on Christmas day wearing his crown.

All he had asked Santa for was a diamond,

and his Nani obliged.

S, 5 1/2 years old, is my sensitive child. He is so much like me, and it's a testament to how strong genetics really are. Some of our quirks leave my husband just shaking his head. Like our skin. We are very picky about what touches our skin, and we would both be happier if we could just be in our underclothes all the time. A tag in our clothes can be enough to drive us crazy! Not just, "can you please cut this tag out of my shirt when you get time" crazy, but "I'm gonna strip down in public if you don't get this tag out" crazy. Last weekend, I took my shirt off while driving to the mall because of a tag, and we had to cut it out in the parking lot. Anyway, this is just an example.





Because we are so much alike, it helps me to understand him. Believe me, if I didn't know where he was coming from, some of his antics or behaviors would drive me crazy. Well, sometimes they still do, but I can usually relate if I try hard enough. Also, I can usually predict his reaction to things. Like today while we were taking down the Christmas tree. I prepped the kids that it was coming down, and I invited them to come say goodbye to it. N, 3, didn't have the time or desire to do that. But S ran in there and lovingly said goodbye to the tree. Sure enough, when he saw the ornaments coming off, he got tearful. It was sweet. I bet lots of people get sad to take down the tree. Even my husband admitted that he was saddened. While I agree, I love to get the tree down every year. By then, I'm ready for things to get back to normal.





There's one other cute story about S today. While my husband and I were sitting in the office/nursery admiring the clean open space recently occupied by the tree, S came in. He said, "Mom! Look, one of my tooth is coming out of my mouth!." I said, "Oh, is your tooth loose?" "No," he replied, "it's not loose, it's coming out of my mouth!." Well, of course, it was just slightly loose, but it is his first loose tooth. We were all excited, and he sat there looking proud and serious as we told him all about the tooth fairy and how his tooth will eventually fall out. And so we enter into another phase of growing up and think, with sweet memories, of when we first saw that little tooth erupting out of our baby's swollen gums.

My Three Year Old

Somehow, three years have gone by since I brought my sweet Booboo home. His was the hardest pregnancy and the longest delivery. That's bizarre to me, though, because he has been so sweet and easy going his whole life. He has a way of charming everyone he comes into contact with. He simply adores both his brothers. He is independent and strong, yet he loves to sit in my lap and cuddle.

After he was born, we just kept waiting for it to get hard. It never did. He just glides through life seeing the good in things. For instance, after his Thanksgiving party at school today, we were walking to our car. It had been lightly raining earlier, and it was chilly and overcast. Most people would have found it to be cruddy weather. Nate says, out of the blue, "It's a beautiful day, mama. It not raining anymore. It's beautiful." I looked around me again. I had not seen it like that. But as I looked through his eyes, I realized it was beautiful. The air felt crisp, not chilly. The ground was wet, but it was refreshing. The clouds gave the sky a nice hazy look. My little three year old boy teaches me how to put things into perspective. That's the kind of person he is and always has been.

We talk about what he'll be when he grows up, and I truly believe the sky is the limit. I ache to think it'll be here too soon. Time has a way of rushing by, and we are so busy with our days that we miss it. We ignore the beautiful days right in front of us. I want him to keep his innocence and excitement... his enthusiasm. He turns to at least one of us in the family every day and says, "you're my best friend." I can picture it so clearly. I hope I don't forget. I want to remember every little habit and expression. That's what I like about this blog. One day I'll be an old woman, and I'll only have my memories. I hope Nate will have wonderful memories too.

Nate, you're my best friend. I love you, sweetie.

The First Mother

Daddy's home!

I heard somewhere on the news that Michelle Obama's biggest project, if her husband were to win, was to be The First Mother to her girls. I think that was back when I was still on the fence, and it made such a huge impact on me. As bad as it makes me sound, I couldn't come to terms with how Sarah Palin expected to be in such a demanding job with five kids, one of them the same age as my baby and special needs. I have many days that I can't even vacuum the rug under the dining room table! Even if she is a stronger woman than I, I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that her children would suffer. I'm one of those moms who believes it is my job, and a very important one, to raise my children. It's sometimes hard, and it's not always fun. It certainly isn't glamorous. But I feel it's something I signed on for when I decided to bring these little people into the world. Now, don't get me wrong... I had plenty of other reasons not to like Sarah Palin as time moved on. This was just my first impression. All that to say, I'm so proud to be an American today and excited to see where we will go under this new presidency.

On the topic of putting the job of motherhood first, though, I have a dilemma that I want to put out there. I have many friends who are stay at home moms. We have playdates and talk occasionally on the phone. We even try to have a coffee date once a week when most of our kids are in school. I enjoy these relationships, and they often help me through on the days that are hard or lonely. I am careful to keep them in "my" time, though. My closest friends are those who have priorities similar to mine, and it is something that usually goes unspoken. Other friends who don't know me as well are more likely to try to arrange girl time during evenings or weekends. One friend in particular just invited me to a "girl's night in" where we would hang out in her house and spend the night. It is the third one I know of that she's had.

This is my dilemma. I really like the girl. But, I don't feel like I'm in a period in my life that I could go out with the girls and not come home. I don't even like going out just with the girls except for special occasions. I know I would feel weird about it if my husband decided to go out for the night and not come home. In all my life, I can't imagine my mom doing that. Last time I was invited, I had a legitimate excuse. This time, I just had to respond that I didn't feel right doing that right now. I always feel like the truth is the way to go. I just hope I haven't alienated her or made her mad at me.

I know I am old fashioned. I love to be with my family, and I miss them when I'm not. I am excited to share that priority with the First Lady Elect. There will be time for the rest later.

Sunday Morning

Blueberries and Blackberries from our backyard: free

Cost of flour, sugar, eggs, etc: minimal

An Old Fashioned Family Breakfast:

PRICELESS!

My Thoughts Today...

Today was a wonderful picture day. Here are the better ones...





Here is our beautiful, ever-sweet Booboo. His smile lights up the room, and we expect him to be on Broadway one day.





These are of our gorgeous Coocoo. He is emotional, intense, and ridiculously smart.



This is my mom with Tiki. So far, at four months, he may be the most friendly baby of the bunch.

I am so grateful for these blessings. I pray they will be healthy, happy adults who find love and fulfillment. I pray for guidance in my choices while raising them, and I hope they have sweet memories of these precious, fleeting days.

No Words

Ever go through something really bad and can't find the emotional energy to talk about it? Even if you could find the words, what if you aren't allowed to tell anyone? That's where I've been this week. So, I'm listening to a CD of songs I made for my dad last year. All country, so it's "crying, loving and leaving."
Here's my playlist tonight as I drink my second glass of wine:
Diggin up Bones
Islands in the Stream
The Gambler
I will always love you

Disappointment

Opps, I did it again. I let my hopes build up again, and I've been let down again. And really, it is my own fault. I know that I've had a good life, and I was blessed with a happy childhood. Still, I feel something missing in my relationship with my dad. He worked hard and long, and my mom raised me pretty much alone. He was never the type to take me out to play or spend much quality time. When he was there, though, he was a kind and loving father. As I got older, it was harder for him to relate to me, I guess. I idealized him and always tried to please him, but I never seemed to be able to make him proud enough.

After I got married, it took me awhile to stop turning to him and wanting him to fix everything for me. He was a contractor and a grader, so I always wanted him to help us when something came up. I still crave that attention from him and quality time with him. I still want to force him into the pretty little "family" mold that I have in my head. When we decided to finish the basement of our house; he agreed to help us. He came over and rerouted the stairs the way I wanted them. Then I waited, and waited and waited, and he never came back. He would avoid the question and refused to give me any idea when we could get started again. "I'll do it when I'm good and ready." Well, I can't argue with that. He won't let us pay him, so we can't exactly complain. We finally hired someone else to do it, and he was probably relieved.

The recent tornado left us with some damage. I called my dad on Monday morning, and he chuckled as if he had been expecting me. He came right over, and he and his help spent all day patching my roof. They were pleasant and outgoing. I loved having him here, and I went back to my la-la land that we were the closest daddy-daughter and we were gonna work together. He even asked about my friend down the road and went to her house to fix her trampoline. He left with the understanding that they would return to fix the flashing on the house; heck, he even left his ladder. That was 9 days ago. I've called him twice, and I realize now that he's not coming. What he said yesterday is that he's on another job. Okay, I think, that makes sense. So I ask if he can give me an idea of when to expect him. "I don't know, baby, it may be tomorrow, and it may be in three weeks. Call somebody else if you want to." I finally realize that he wants me to call somebody else. He doesn't want to deal with it. And there is nothing wrong with that. What has me sad is the bigger picture. We are never gonna "hang out." He isn't gonna invite my family for dinner or even accept my many offers to have dinner here. He didn't even eat during the Christmas dinner that I've begun insisting that I host here. He's just not that guy.

I think that is why I feel so sentimental when I see my husband with our children. He is that guy. He is the kind of dad that I still want for myself. He even knows me well enough to know why I was putting off calling another contractor to get this work done. I was waiting on my daddy to rescue me. He provided support in his strong, subtle way, and he was there to catch me, again, when I fell. I woke up today and called my neighbor (a contractor), and he was glad to help. Oh,here's the irony: he was trained by my dad. And guess what he says? "I love your dad. He's a great man, and he was an excellent builder." "Yeah, I know," I say, as I swell up again with pride and love for the man I will never truly know.

Reflecting on our marriage...

From my hubby

Yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary. I guess that's not so long in the grand scheme of things, but it's a pretty long time to me. We began dating when I was 21, which I'm only now realizing is very young. I can't believe all we've been through in only 8 years. We have been pregnant 5 times. We had to say goodbye to our first child after only 3 days. We've had a miscarriage. We've brought three healthy, beautiful baby boys into the world, and we are learning to raise them every day. We both are consumed with the desire and responsibility to help them be happy, polite and responsible people.
With all that, it is too easy to neglect the "us" that we were when we got married. We were so in love and so idealistic. In many ways, we still are. But we are sewn together with the kind of grief that only we can understand. It brought us closer even as it destroyed our innocence.
With kids, marriage changes. Instead of coming in the door and being greeted by my kiss, he is greeted with two boys ready to pounce and wrestle. Our lives are very routine and predictable. From 5:30, when he gets home, until 7:30, when they go to bed, it is all about the kids and their routine. Then it's our time. Unfortunately, many nights we are too tired to do anything but watch TV. But there is something so comforting about the ease and rhythm of our relationship now. We both love how we don't have to talk about it or argue over who does what. We never even really talked about dividing chores in the first place. Our life just evolved into what it is. I don't think either of us would have it any other way.
So, yes, sometimes I miss the way it was. Simple. Exciting. New. But I love the richness of the present. The way we know each other. The life we've worked so hard to build. This is why I still save his messages to play over and over, just to hear his voice. I crave his presence because just being near him makes me feel comforted and relaxed. Creating a home for him and making him happy is what motivates me each day. Honey, I am so proud to be your wife and the mother of your children.
Thank you for 8 wonderful years.